Friday, March 8, 2013

Chapter 2

Hello Everyone,

Today’s topic is dating, I can hear you cheering and booing already.

This blog post is based off of chapter 2 from the book Successful Marriages and Families.
Chapter 2 is entitled

                       “The ABC’s of Successful Romantic Relationship Development: Meeting, Dating, and Choosing an Eternal Companion”
I am going to base a lot of my thoughts around my own life experience with dating and companion seeking/choosing.
This quote sets up my thoughts up perfectly
“ “This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry.” The difficulty for many single adults is how to do it! … within the framework of the ABC’s or more correctly, the ABCDE’s of mate selection. George Levinger (1983) postulated a five-phase development of heterosexual romantic relationships:
               A.      Awareness  of or Acquaintance  with another person;
               B.      Buildup of the relationship;
               C.      Continuation following commitment to  a long-term relationship (which may result in marriage                        for many couples);
               D.      Deterioration or Decline  in the interdependence of the couple;
               E.       Ending of the relationship”

        My thoughts are that A,B, and C are what lead to marriages that can prosper, while A-E lead to a beak off of the relationship in most cases for the best outcome of both parties.

       For me as I began dating most of the people there were to choose from I already knew so A had already been established, and B was the focus of blossoming romantic relationships. However nothing at the early stages remained at C. I dated for a while, became engaged, then broke it off. It was a hard choice to break off that relationship but it was for the best for the both of us. I moved to Utah later that year and that is really when my life fit more fully in this model.

       As I began to adjust to my new surroundings and only being in Salt Lake City for about a week, I had managed to go on three dates. I did not come planning to move so swiftly but all of a sudden there were so many men around me and well the asking commenced. I am not saying any of this to boast but rather to explain where I am coming from.

     So for me mid August to late September I was becoming very aware and becoming well acquainted with several new prospects or friends depending on how you look at it.  Then I moved to stage B with a guy, we will call him Ralph (not his real name) and for a few months we progressed and really enjoyed dating, but it just felt like it needed to end just because we would not have been a good long-term match. We had a lot of fun and enjoyed being with each other but our differences would have grown large and vast if we had been married and became parents together so, D moved quickly to E- the ending of the relationship.
Then for the next 8 months or so I went through a lot of ups and downs, new people to get to know but they all seemed to end as quickly as they began.

      It was during those months I really reflected on what was the cause of relationships that last versus those that crumble. It was clear to me that most marriages that last and that are fulfilling begin with a strong friendship foundation, and so I chose that the next time I was going to be serious with someone that we would not have physical contact for over a month. 

      Well it just so happened my now husband was the next one to come along. I told him just how long he would have to wait to hold my hand/ date me and then how much longer to kiss me, much to my surprise he agreed to wait the time I had decided on. (I want to make it clear however that though this worked for me you are different and what worked for me may work for you or may not- I simply suggest that you are very prayerful about your dating strategies and techniques)

       So for me I wanted to and did keep the acquaintance aspect around for a while because I valued having a high level of both friendship and companionship in my marriage someday. To often when the physical aspect of a relationship is rushed into our judgment is clouded and we may not be able to see that we are not as well suited as we may have thought or realized if we had waited longer to move to that dynamic of the relationship.

Lastly I want to say, DON’T give up hope, be serious about dating because it is that important, and do what feels right in your heart.

This is simply how I feel I fit under this model, please take time and think about how you can improve your future relationship(s) and commit to doing it.

My only question for this post is:

What is the most important part of dating that you feels help you truly get to know a perspective companion/spouse?


  1. Being honest is important in dating. Let someone get to know the real you- flaws and all. I also like what you said about building a foundation on friendship. My husband and I are best friends and that foundation has helped us progress more smoothly. Thanks for sharing Jules!

  2. Thanks Amy for taking the time to read my post! Without friendship there isn't much to most relationships, so it would make sense that it is so much more important to have a strong friendship with the person you want to be with forever. You are awesome Amy!

  3. I don't really like the idea of the A-B-C-D-E progression. It implies that all during the C stage, the most desirable stage, there's this sense of impending D-oom. While that might make the participants in a relationship more conscious of their actions and actively work to keep their relationship strong, I don't like the inevitability created by the formalization of the process.

    On another note, I totally agree with your reasoning for and analysis of our 6-week period of not-hand-holding. (I'm the husband.) I feel like it was beneficial to our relationship long-term to not gratify our desires short-term. It allowed us to build a strong foundation.